


Mystery Date

by pixiePique



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Aunt May is a darling woman and I would die for her, Avengers - Freeform, Gay, Hiding Relationships, M/M, Texting, puns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-10
Updated: 2017-05-10
Packaged: 2018-10-30 05:28:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10870077
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pixiePique/pseuds/pixiePique
Summary: Aunt May lets slip that Peter has a boyfriend and Tony gets weirdly invested in finding out who he is, because it's not like he has enough to do.





	Mystery Date

**Author's Note:**

> A lot of the peter/wade stuff doesn't take into account Tony's dramatics so here's my panicking son

“Aunt May!”

Every eye in the office flicked to the desk in front of Stark’s (never-used) office, where Peter Parker was leaping up and heading towards the elevator with a huge grin on his face. The Avengers and other office workers immediately gathered around to say hello, pulled to the unstoppable force of warmth and comfort that was Miss May.

“It’s always so lovely to see you all,” Aunt May finished shaking hands with several people whose names she had learned, then rested her hand around Peter’s shoulders proudly, making the boy flush with embarrassment. “Peter has nothing but good things to say about working here, and I’m so glad to see him happy.”

Stark beamed with pride. Nat rolled her eyes at him, careful not to let Aunt May see. Not after the lecture on politeness she got last time.

“Oh!” Aunt May suddenly started, frantically checking her watch. “I remembered why I stopped by. I knew I would. Peter, what time is your boyfriend coming to dinner?”

The room went silent. Tony’s mouth actually dropped. Even JARVIS stopped beeping for a minute.

Peter looked horrified, his face going completely red. “Um, seven.” He said hurriedly, trying his best to scoot May along before she said anything else.

Unfortunately, she was not oblivious to the Avenger’s reactions. “Peter,” She turned and narrowed her eyes at the desperate boy. “You haven’t told your nice coworkers about your boyfriend?”

“Well, it didn’t seem to be appropriate for a workplace environment, Aunt May.” Peter emphasized, trying harder to move her along.

“Peter!” Tony Stark immediately assumed Dramatic Mode™. “How could you do this to us?”

“Yeah!” Clint chimed in, his accusatory pointing and exaggerated tone of outrage making Nat bite her lip to keep from laughing. Steve and Bucky looked very confused.

Peter glared at Tony, knowing exactly what he was up to.

“Well, we thought you could trust us, but now…” Tony actually put a hand over his heart in feigned sadness. Nat buried her face in Clint’s neck, her shoulders shaking with silent laughter.

“Aunt May, they’re just trying to get a rise out of me.” Peter assured the woman. He threw a quick glare at Tony. “Can it, Stark!”

Tony gave an extremely loud gasp and Clint followed suit. “Peter!” Aunt May cried, scandalized.

“Peter!” Tony matched the woman’s affronted tone. “Such language! It’s like I don’t even know who you are anymore.” he sighed.

“Now look what you’ve done!” Clint gestured angrily at Natasha, still laughing into his arm. “You’ve made Nat cry!” Her laughter grew more violent and tiny choking sounds started coming from where they were standing.

Aunt May looked scandalized. “Peter, you’ve hurt Miss Romanov’s feelings.” Bruce rolled his eyes at the extremely hurt expression Tony had plastered on his face. Aunt May turned to look at Peter. “Peter, this is not the behavior of the boy Ben and I raised.” She sounded disappointed. A flash of real sadness came across Peter’s face at the mention of his uncle. With a hand on his Aunt’s arm, he turned to the office and straightened his back.

“I’m sorry for hurting your feelings and making you all feel like we couldn’t trust each other.” Peter took a second to shoot a glare at Tony and then glanced back at his aunt, who started to smile. “I have a boyfriend, and since this is a professional setting I’d prefer not to discuss any further details.”

“Thank you for apologizing, Peter.” Tony said, overly sincere. “I’m sure we’d all like to meet your boyfriend at the office party next friday, when this will no longer be a workplace environment.” Peter could see the spark of mischief in the man’s eyes.

“Oh, how lovely. He’s just wonderful, I’m sure you’ll all have a grand old time.” Aunt May smiled and waved goodbye to the office, finally allowing Peter to usher her towards the door with one gentle hand on her back, just like she taught him.

Peter put on the most fake-nice voice he could muster. “I’m afraid he’ll be out of town that weekend, Mr. Stark. We’d love to reschedule, though!” and with one last goodbye kiss on the cheek, Peter finally got the darling Aunt May out of the office.

The door shut and Peter whipped around to glare at his co-workers. Nat lifted her head off Clint’s shoulder and everyone got a good look at the tear tracks running down her face. This made Clint snort with laughter, which made Bruce quirk his mouth up in a smile, and soon everyone was laughing their asses off, even the interns who had no idea what had just happened. They couldn’t help it. Thor’s laugh is pretty infectious. The only people who weren’t laughing were Peter and Tony, the two men standing very still, never taking their narrowed eyes off the other’s face.

“When will he be in town? We can throw a party anytime.”

“I don’t know, sir.” Peter said, the casual words sounding strange coming out of his deathly serious mouth. “His schedule is a tad unpredictable.”

“Oh, I’m sure we can work something out. Why don’t you give my secretary his number and they’ll find a convenient time?”

Peter smirked. “That might be difficult. He doesn’t have a phone, you see.”  
“How do you plan dates?”

“He normally just shows up at my windowsill.”

“Ah, so he’s a climber, then. Abnormally, maybe.” Tony’s voice was dripping with malice.

“You got me,” Peter said casually. “It’s Venom.”

Tony scrunched up his nose. “Ew, seriously?”

“No.” Peter said, laughing.

Tony frowned. Suddenly he became aware that everyone in the office was standing stock-still, looking at him. “Isn’t there a business to be run around here?” He barked, sending terrified interns scattering back to the copy room.

 

JARVIS -> Interface -> History -> Stark Tower Video Feeds

 

First step: asking the only gay couple Tony knew personally.

“Steve! Winter Warlock!” He ran up to them. “Do either of you know who’s dating Peter?”

“Peter is queer?” Steve’s eyes widened.

Tony had to take a step back. “Yeah. What did you think was going on this morning?”

The couple looked equally confused. “I don’t know,” said Steve. “I thought maybe they were just best friends and you were being dramatic.” Bucky nodded.

“This is unbelievable.” Tony mumbled.

“Tony, they’re from the forties.” Natasha said, exasperated. “It’s a miracle they even got together.” She gestured at the blushing super-soldiers. “We can’t expect them to have accurate gaydar.”

Steve looked at her, confused. “Gaydar? Is that the guy from the Star Wars?”

Nat smiled fondly. “Yes. It is.” 

Steve beamed proudly. “Look, Buck! I got a reference!” Bucky grinned back, squeezing Steve’s hand.

Natasha beamed at the sweet couple. “Sweet, gentle, naive Rogers.” She sighed at him, grinning. “Never change.” And then she was gone.

 

JARVIS -> Interface -> History -> Text Messages

 

Stark-Naked: Nat who’s fucking peter???  
Knick-Nat: I don’t know. I have other stuff going on that is not this. Like a job.  
Stark-Naked: I’M A SCIENTIST. BEING CURIOUS IS LITERALLY MY JOB  
Knick-Nat: Then find out yourself.  
Stark-Naked: I’ll pay you  
Knick-Nat: You’ve said that before and it’s never true.

 

Stark-Naked: Bruce help me find out who’s trying to fuck my PA  
Bruced-and-Battered: No. Why are you like this  
Stark-Naked: You’d still be hiding in the savannah if I hadn’t given you this sweet lab to work in the least you can do is help me invade our co-worker’s privacy  
Bruced-and-Battered: Neil Degrasse Tyson would never do this to me

 

Stark-Naked: Reeeeeeeeeeeeeeed are you dating the Webbed Wonder  
Mr-Pedantic: No, gross, and also he still owes me for the time he webbed my hair to the roof of an IHOP  
Stark-Naked: Helpful  
Mr-Pedantic: Let him know

 

Stark: Johnny r u dating peter????  
Oncoming-Storm: i WISH

 

Stark: Allen are you peter’s bf  
Barry Manilow: Yes  
Stark-Naked: ARE YOU SERIOUS  
Barry Manilow: No tf is wrong with you  
Stark-Naked: Then WHO??? WHO IS IT???  
Barry Manilow: I don’t know. Some of us have JOBS, Stark. GO DO YOURS.

 

Stark-Naked: Hey Quark! Are you dating Spiderman  
Top-Clark: I do not even live there.  
Top-Clark: Also, Lois and I are engaged.  
Top-Clark: Why do you ask me these things???

 

Stark-Naked: Hey Other Bruce  
Other Bruce: No, I’m not fucking your assistant.  
Stark-Naked: ??????? how did you know  
Other Bruce: Nat texted. Stop being weird.  
Stark-Naked: You know I can’t do that.

 

Stark-Naked: Dicky-boiiii  
Dickerdoodle: Don’t drag my kid into this. -Bruce  
Stark-Naked: Fineeeeee

 

Stark-Naked: pssssst Dicky-boi I know you have more than one phone  
50-Shades-of-Grayson: Mr. Stark, my dad says to tell you to go away  
Stark-Naked: But he actually said fuck off right  
50-Shades-of-Grayson: Yeah  
Stark-Naked: Don’t change, kiddo

 

Tony closed the X-Men group chat. Nobody there was dating Peter, either.  
Ditto the Teen Titans.  
Ditto the entirety of the Justice League.

 

That covered all the heroes Tony had ever met, or even knew about. Must just be some random civilian. Tony had to admit defeat.

 

...

“On your left!” Steve shouted. He blew past where Tony was firing from his suit and crushed an alien’s head with his shield, which ricocheted off another alien’s head before returning to his hand.

Suddenly a blur of red spandex flew past Tony, which didn’t make sense, since Spiderman was standing in the center of a giant web stretched between skyscrapers. He shot one last alien in the face and turned to get a better look when he heard Nat’s voice in the comms.

“Deadpool?”

Spiderman instantly whipped around to look at the mercenary heading straight for him. “Goddamnit Wade, what are you doing here?” He yelled, turning his attention back to the aliens trying to climb the web he was resting on.

“You guys never invite me to your parties!” Deadpool complained, his voice clear in their ears. Tony groaned. Clearly he’d hacked into their comms, and none of the avengers were looking forward to hearing his constant chatter for the rest of the fight. Deadpool ignored them, instead running and taking a huge leap off of the roof of a taxi so that he was flying through the air. “Spidey, web me!” He cried, arms outstretched like he was on the deck of the Titanic.

“Ugh.” Peter quickly shot a web at Wade and pulled him to the center of the web so that they stood back to back, taking out bad guys. They were beating a lot more enemies than two people, even superheroes, normally would. They were a well-oiled machine, covering each other perfectly so that webs and bullets flew at blinding speeds. The avengers returned to silently fighting, interrupted every so often by warnings and shouted strategies, until Wade let out a cry of pain.

“One of them bit me!” He stared down at his arm, disgusted and totally outraged. “That. Is. Disgusting!” He drew back his arm and swung a katana in an arc, cutting the offending alien’s head off and sending it hurtling down towards Natasha, who dodged it and flipped him off before returning to her battle.

To everyone’s surprise, Spiderman started laughing. “I told you to stay home.” He said, smiling.

“Petey, you’re supposed to be on my side with this!” Deadpool exclaimed, but he couldn’t hide the fact that he was laughing too.

Tony was flummoxed. “Wait,” he paused to take aim at an alien and send a fireball into its chest. Bam. “Do you two,” Bam. “Know each other,” Bam. “Or something?”

“Oh, shit.” Peter mumbled. Wade turned to him, accidentally missing an alien in the process. 

“What does that mean?” Wade sounded suddenly vulnerable. “Didn’t you tell them about us?”

“Tell us what about you?” Clint was out of breath, trying as hard as he could to cut through the wall of aliens that were rapidly trying to ascend his perch.

“Peter?” Wade turned back to a mass of aliens threatening to take over their web.

“Could this possibly wait until after we’ve saved New York?” Peter’s voice was strained with emotion and the struggle against a particularly fast alien.

“I mean I knew you were embarrassed of me and my hideous face and murderous ways, but I’m really trying, baby boy.” Deadpool sounded like he was about to cry. He took out another few aliens and Steve swore his super-hearing could pick up the tiniest sniffle through the comms.

Peter threw one last web and let his arms fall. “Okay, fuck this.” He said, angry. “Wade, come here.” He spat, wrapping an arm around Wade’s waist and forcefully pulling the man to his side. Wade gasped. Peter stretched his other arm above his head, webbing the roof. “Going up,” he said, and he and Wade suddenly shot into the air as the web contracted into Peter’s arm and the two boys landed safely on top of the building. Peter grabbed Wade’s swords and quickly drew them out, sending them flying towards the web in the same motion. They sliced through the ends of the web that were holding it up, and the entire thing detached from the buildings and collapsed in on itself, sending the scores of aliens on it crashing to the ground with a sickening crunch. Suddenly, there were only a few dozen aliens left to pick off, and the avengers turned their attention to them, shouting whoops of thanks at Peter.

Suddenly Wade regained his sense and jerked himself out of Peter’s grasp, trying to rejoin the fight. Peter, however was having none of it. Without even looking at the mercenary, he shot a web sideways and twisted Wade in until they were pressed chest to chest, Wade struggling to free his arms and glaring daggers at Peter. “Everyone listen up for a second,” Peter sounded pleading.

“Not exactly the time,” Natasha said under her breath, taking a second to deck an alien. Bucky nodded in agreement next to her, snapping another’s neck with his metal arm.

“Go ahead, Peter.” Steve said kindly.

“Okay I’ll make this quick since we’re fighting and all.” Peter rushed. “Wade Wilson is my boyfriend, I love him with all my heart, I’d like to spend the rest of my life with him, and I am so un-embarrassed of him that I’d scream it from the rooftops.” He was more out of breath trying to express his feelings than he had been during the whole battle. He took a deep breath and slowed down, noticing how the Hulk had squished most of the remaining aliens like ants and the whole team had turned to him, listening. “The only reason I didn’t tell you guys is because I was worried you’d, like, try to kill him or get him arrested or something. Because of his... old job, and all.” 

He sighed, choking on tears a little. “I’m sorry, Wade. I love you so much, I just didn’t know what they’d do.” Peter hung his head. “I know you’re trying, and you’re doing so well, and I’m so proud of you, but I wasn’t sure if they’d understand.” His voice grew quiet, and the comms were completely silent except for the grunts of the avengers as they fought. “I just wanted you safe.”

Tony was in shock. “Are you guys hearing this?” he practically shouted. “JARVIS, tell the suit to pinch me!”

Natasha rolled her eyes. “Stop freaking out, Stark.”

“I’m not freaking out!” Tony’s voice reached a truly impressive octave. “Just Peter and his murderer boyfriend. Totally chill over here!”

Peter’s voice grew deadly serious. “He doesn’t do that anymore.”

Wade was gently sobbing into the comms. “I love you too, Petey.” It was the most genuine the group had ever heard him sound. Peter held his boyfriend in his arms, looking worriedly at the avengers.

“Wade,” Steve spoke up, and everyone automatically turned to listen. “I trust Peter.” The boys looked down at him. “If he says you’re trying to be better, then I believe him.” He paused to throw his shield at the very last alien. “I’m not gonna get you in trouble as long as you promise not to go back to killing people for money.” He finished simply. The battle was over, the team finally relaxing and trying to process the news.

“Or break Peter’s heart!” Tony added in, feeling suddenly protective. Clint nodded in agreement and Bucky and Steve instinctively reached for each other’s hands.

Natasha cocked her head, considering the couple. “You’re cute together.” She said in that matter-of-fact way she had, and suddenly it seemed like everything was officially settled. The avengers broke into shouts of congratulations.

“Most joyous day!” Thor shouted, thrusting his hammer into the air. “May the man of spiders and his mate enjoy many wonderful battles together!”

“Yaaaassss!” Clint grinned, stashing his bow so he could snap his fingers.

Tony had a brilliant idea. “A double date!” He excitedly clapped his hands on Bucky and Steve’s shoulders. “Two merciless hitmen and their goody-two-shoes boyfriends.” Bucky and Wade snorted. Steve rolled his eyes. Peter blushed.

 

Three days later, Wade attended his first Avengers Party™ as Peter Parker’s date.

…

“Three days to plan this gala, Tony? Your event staff needs a raise.” 

“Yeah dude, they got Channing Tatum to show up. That’s dedication.” 

“Wait, Channing Tatum is where?”

…

Literally.

…

“Wade, what are you doing with your placecard?”

“Oh, don’t worry, baby boy. I brought my own.”

“Champagne, Mr…. Peter Parker’s Date?”

“Yes, thank you.”

“Is that on Pony Pals stationery?”

“The Peter Parker’s Dates are a distinguished horse-breeding family, obviously.”

“Well, that’s my favorite of your secret identities.”

“Mine, too, Petey-pie.”

**Author's Note:**

> This whole time I just thought about The Santa Clause ("Mystery date...")


End file.
